WILLINGNESS: A PATH TO LASTING CHANGE
I’d like to propose a change of plans for your New Year Resolution. Instead of making big sweeping changes, signing up for new things, declaring you are finished with something forever or giving up something for 30 days, just try saying this: I’m willing to change.
I can think of 3 major changes in my life that only happened when I shifted my thinking to that mindset. Willingness.
I had tried on my own. I had white-knuckled myself into some change but then reverted right back to old ways when my willpower faded. I became more disciplined. I gave it up altogether. I tried and succeeded and then failed again. That cycle, no matter what the issue, is deflating, depressing, and isolating. The more we try and fail, the more we think we are the only one on Earth going through it. It’s not the truth, and it doesn’t have to be this hard.
I didn’t realize until recently what those 3 big changes in my life had in common, it really was simply the willingness to change. I never had all the answers. I didn’t have a plan. I wasn’t even entirely sure I wanted to change any of those things in my life because I was still getting some sort of satisfaction or pleasure from them. I wasn’t sure how it was going to play out and I had no grand expectations about it working. I was just willing. Willing to change. Willing to learn something new that would lift me higher.
In those moments of willingness something in me shifts. There is an ease that comes over me and I feel a sense of patience with myself and whatever process lies ahead. There is no timeline. There is no expectation, just my showing up every day whether I felt ready to let go or not.
Again, I didn’t see it at the time, but in each of those changes in my life, I was ready to move forward and also not ready, and yet I moved forward anyway. I found that it is possible to be not ready to change and also willing to change at the same time. It’s possible to be nervous to let something go in life and be willing to let go at the same time. Both can exist.
You can know you need to end the relationship that is holding you back and be scared to let it go because sometimes you feel good in it. You can know you need to grow in a certain area of your life and also not be ready to because it seems safer to stay the same. You can know that your drug of choice doesn’t help you be the person you want to be and still be attached to the 20 minutes of fun or relaxation it appears to provide you.
You can know you need to change and be scared of the changes at the same time.
And you don’t have to wait for the low point in whatever you’re wanting to change in order to be willing to change. You don’t have to hit rock bottom with alcohol or be abused or cheated on in a relationship to leave it. If it’s not serving your greatest good, you can change it. If the drug, person, job, action isn’t leading you to the best version of yourself, you can let it go whenever you get the idea to.
I love how Holly Whitaker puts it:
“Willingness is the thing that bridges the gap between where we are and where we want to go. It is the way through; it is what we use when we want to say, “I can’t,” or “It’s impossible,” or “I’m not ready.” It allows for the “can’t” and the “not ready” to exist at the same time as the desire for something more.
Willingness is an energy, a vibration; it is a destination in itself. It says, “I don’t know how to do this thing but I am going to try.” It says, “This right here is enough,” and then it tells you that you can rest here, be here. It says, “I’m open to something different while I honor where I am.” Mostly it says, “I’m going to allow parts of me to move slower while I take this leap forward.”
So, you’re willing to change and also not quite ready to. What next?
Write down your WHYs.
Why is this potential change important to you? Why are you willing now more than ever before?
My top 4 WHYs for my constant desire to grow are these: To be the best version of myself. To be the best wife I can be to my amazing husband. To be the bonus mom God needs me to be for my bonus boys. And to be the woman God made me to be. My list is 22 WHYs long and they all continue to be important to me. Your list can be 1 item long or 50. Just make a list. It is not a new idea but if you’ve never done this you are missing out on some powerful fuel to keep you going on your journey.
Acknowledge your resistance.
Remember, you can be willing to change and also not ready to. Write it out. Accept it. Go with it.
Curate your social media.
This is surprisingly helpful. Follow accounts that support the life you want to live and unfollow accounts or hide ads (clicking on “irrelevant to me” is also a statement to yourself) that distract you.
Create a Pinterest board for your goal and fill it with images, recipes, blogs, information and quotes that support your change.
Educate yourself.
Even on subjects you think you already know about. If you want to be different, do things differently this time. Try a new way. Learn something new.
Listen to podcasts, read blogs, read books, watch youtube videos that support the life you want to live, the person you want to be.
Find like-minded people.
If you’re an introvert like me, although this “finding your tribe” or joining a community sounds nice, it might not be your jam. I would like to encourage you to step out of your comfort zone anyway and find people to connect with, learn from, support and to be supported by. Each of the 3 changes in my life required this vulnerability and it has never done me wrong. In fact, my most recent change led me to 22 amazing women that live all over the country, in Canada and Australia! My growth of late is largely due to this group of women and we are all now friends for life.
Take actions if necessary.
You’ll know what it is based on your desired change and you’ll know when you're ready to do it. You can also be ready to be ready and that is powerful too. Remember, all that is needed is your willingness.
Choose thoughts that lead you in the direction you want to go, even if it isn't true yet.
Every day our brains get on a train of thought that creates momentum the longer we think it. If I am thinking about a topic that doesn’t feel good and keep thinking about it, I’m going to end up not feeling good. If you’re willing to change your eating habits but find yourself thinking about your favorite junk foods, guess what?, they serve junk food on that train. Get off quick.
When you catch those thoughts, instantly start talking about how you want to feel and get a momentum going in that direction. Talk to yourself about how good you feel with clean energizing foods in your system.
I do this every day, on a variety of topics, and this kind of thinking has accompanied every positive change in my life. I even taught myself to love running doing this.
This tactic has evolved into Momentums that I now record and post on youtube (links below to help you on a variety of topics.)
Keep telling yourself the truth.
When you find yourself thinking about how what you were doing or how you were living wasn’t that bad after all, remind yourself of the truth you have learned through all of your new education. I do this a lot and I can tell you it is a valuable tool.
Don’t count days.
You’re on a journey. Willingness isn’t about being disciplined or performing or being perfect for a number of days. It takes as long as it takes and every day you’re on the journey you’re making progress. My 22 new sisters and I call slip ups “research moments” because something can be learned about ourselves and from the experience no matter what. Also, research moments don’t put you back to Day 1. Keep moving forward. Learn something about why you made the choice and make a note. It’s all part of the process.
Plus, when you’re not counting days you don’t have to declare that you’re not doing something for 30 days or whatever. There is no failure if you don’t make it the 30 days. Instead of grand statements or updating your social media, try one of my favorite statements: “I can have as much as I want whenever I want, I just don’t want it anymore.”
Review your WHYs on a regular basis.
Read them every day for a while and then put your list somewhere you will see it every so often.
I reread my list this morning and found that all of my WHYs for making my recent change have happened and are still important to me.
Remind yourself that it's about willingness.
It’s not about perfection, performing, letting yourself or anyone down. You’re willing to change and you’re showing up. You don’t have to be ready to change but don’t be surprised when you find the change in you has happened and you didn’t have to white-knuckle through it. It’s not a fluke if you find you have changed with more ease than ever before. It’s not a fluke if it was easy. Willingness has that effect. Enjoy it.
Momentums to support you:
Allow yourself to take on these thoughts as your own. Let your brain think in new ways that help you grow into the person you really want to be.
If you have a topic you’d like me to do a Momentum on, please let me know.